Dear William 3

Dear William, 

Yes, it was indeed splendid to receive another email from you. As a busy pastor and family man, I am a bit surprised that you can spare the time to scribble a few lines to an old fogey like me. 

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq. Now I am going to ask you a question that you have probably been asked before. What was it like being shot at it Iraq, having someone (or maybe by several people) actually firing a gun at you and trying to kill you? Perhaps it was not too bad. I mean, the whole purpose of the training in the Army is to make you do things automatically, so that you do not waste your time doing something silly, such as wondering what to do when someone is trying to kill you. Does it take a lot of courage to be under fire? (What colour is courage? Brown. An old Falklands veteran told me that.)  

I think that adopting a child who has disabilities takes a lot more courage than being in the Army, even when you are being shot at. You do not really get any training for something like that. I am proud of you, William. Yes, I am. And your wife too. You can tell her so from me!  

A sense of humour? Well, I remember once at Northaw (as it still was) we were having a spelling lesson and I mentioned that in the English language, some letters are not pronounced. I told the class, “They are silent, like the P in swimming pool.” You were the only one in the class who got the joke. You could not stop laughing. In fact, all the other children in the class probably thought that you were mad (and, of course, they may have been right…) 

When I was teaching in China, I used to tell the joke about the pig with a wooden leg. Yes, I did. Now you need to imagine a HUGE cafeteria, completely packed with Chinese students, all eating their overcooked vegetables, rice and noodles with metal (yes, metal) chopsticks. And I would start to tell them all the joke about the man who was walking across a field and he saw a pig with a wooden leg, so he asked the farmer, “Why does your pig have a wooden leg?”  

And the farmer replied, “Well, you see, my younger son likes to go fishing.”  

(By this time, all of the children who were sitting next to me would be listening to this joke.) 

“And one day he was fishing in the creek and he fell into the water and he was drowning. But the pig was in its sty, a kilometre away, jumped over a metre-high wall, ran to the creek, pulled my son out of the water, gave him CPR, taught him how to fish and he caught the biggest fish that has ever been caught in the creek and he won a big prize.”  

The man replied, “Well, that is amazing, but why does your pig have a wooden leg?”  

“It was like this, you see”, replied the farmer. “My wife was in the kitchen cooking some chips, and the chip pan caught on fire and she could not open the kitchen door. But the pig was in its sty, two kilometres away, jumped over a two-metre-high wall, ran to the kitchen, broke down the door, saved my wife and cooked a delicious five-course dinner for all of the family.”  

(By now, all of the children who were sitting on my table were listening to this joke.) 

The man replied, “Well, yes, that is amazing as well, but why does your pig have a wooden leg?” 

“Now my older son,” said the farmer, “he is a businessman in Scotland, but his business was not doing well and he was always having arguments with his wife. It looked as though they were going to get divorced. But the pig was in its sty, three kilometres away, jumped over a three-metre-high wall, ran to the railway station, jumped on a train, went up top Scotland, gave my son business advice (now he is a millionaire) and gave him marriage guidance, so he is still together with his wife. Now they have a lovely baby and they are very happy.”  

(By this time, every single child in the whole cafeteria would be listening to this joke.) 

The man replied, “Well, that is even more amazing, but why does your pig have a wooden leg?” 

“Now what happened,” said the farmer, “was that the weather forecast said that there would be rain in the afternoon, so we were in a big hurry to get all of the crops into the barn. But then one of my best workers telephoned to say that he was sick and there was a problem with the combine harvester. The engine would not start. But the pig was in its sty, four kilometres away, jumped over a four-metre-high wall, ran to the farm, got the combine harvester working and gathered in all of the crops. It was the best harvest the farm has ever had. Just as the last bale of hay was going into the barn, it started raining and there was a terrible storm.” 

The man replied, “Well, that is absolutely incredible, but why does your pig have a wooden leg?” 

(By this time, every single child in the whole school was crowded into the cafeteria, waiting for the punchline to this joke.) 

And the farmer replied, “When you have a pig as good as that, you don’t eat him all at once.”  

On a slightly more serious note, I really have indeed ordered your little book from Amazon! It is not going to arrive before Christmas, alas, because I wanted to read it in the days and weeks before the 25^th. Or you could look on the bright side and say that it will be early for next Christmas. 

As well as David Pawson, my No. 1 hero in the Christian faith, I also have a lot of respect for R.T. Kendall. He is preacher and Bible teacher from Kentucky, not Tennessee, and I did have the privilege to meet him a couple of times when he came to Qatar. Yes, my dear wife and I were in Qatar before the World Cup arrived. For all of the hype surrounding one or two football games, you may have the impression that Qatar is an amazing, wonderful, modern country. But it isn’t. 

Bulgaria, on the other hand, is a rather splendid place and I am sending you a few more photos of a naughty little dog, as you seem to be a fan of dogs. (By the way, lots of people told us NOT to get a Jack Russell because they are mad and uncontrollable. They were right, of course.)   

Best wishes from a little country somewhere in SE Europe, 

Simon